"Scarlett Johansson has married actor Ryan Reynolds in a hush-hush ceremony in his native Canada."
Why, Scarlett, why? Weren't the letters enough to intrigue you? The threats to your dog not sufficient motivation? The soaking in gasoline and offer to immolate myself outside your house not sufficient proof of my devotion? We both know your heart said "Yes, yes", even if your lawyer said "Restraining order!"
And with a Canadian, no less!
Once again, we must turn to modern ballads to express our feelings.