Just a couple of brief notes for two women who shall remain anonymous:
i, I don't want to know about you, Person A, sloping off into the bathroom to jill off because of your boyfriend's texts. It just makes me dubious about my project of trying to get you to read books - if there's fingerprints on them when they return, I'm going to be very annoyed.
ii, And while I appreciate emails from you, Person B, mentioning you're not wearing knickers as much as the next guy who's spent a lot of time trying to get into them, you had to spoil it by going on to mention why, didn't you? Okay, okay I started it by suggesting the bed pictured looked too fragile for your, uh, needs - but we both know you're grosser than I am. You win!
I mean, Jesus, I spend my time trying to develop a reputation as a pervert and as soon as spring rolls around, women show they can effortlessly outdo men in this field without even trying.